Guard My Heart
by caudipteryxzoui
Summary: The sad story of the five times Anakin stole Obi-Wan's Heart. Obi-Wan/Anakin slash. Written for mm8.


The Heart is not the heart in the sense of an anatomical organ of the body which pumps blood through the circulatory system. The Heart is, rather, a simple, convenient word choice for a highly complex, highly inconvenient extension of a Force-sensitive individual's ability to influence aspects of the Force. Specifically, Hearts grant their owners the power to proximally influence the relational energies which bind all discrete lifeforms together and to forge bonds between themselves and other individuals. Because these so-called Heart Bonds are both profoundly intimate as well as wholly unbreakable, lasting until death and perhaps beyond, they are an anathema to the Jedi principle of non-attachment, and the Jedi Order has developed a ritual to cleave the Heart from the body. All Jedi must undergo this ritual upon ascension to Knighthood. Their Hearts are then stored in a secure Vault hidden deep within the Temple…

— Master Ci Ebbii, Pragmatiques, Volume II, 1859 BBY

* * *

The Jedi Temple had many secrets, and it had an even greater number of locked doors.

These locked doors posed no serious impediment to nosy new Padawan learners like Anakin Skywalker. They were hardly an inconvenience, as a matter of fact, because there was not a lock in the galaxy which had successfully thwarted Anakin's attempts to slice it open…and the lock on the door to the Heart Vault was no exception.

Anakin had been in residence at the Temple for less than a Coruscanti lunar cycle thus far. Yet he'd already heard enough about Hearts to make his head spin. Though he was loath to admit it, he didn't understand most of what he'd been told. They had something to do with the part of a Force-sensitive being which provided strong proximal access to the relational energies binding all life together. Maybe? Oh whatever.

The door to the Heart Vault slid open with a soft hiss. Anakin's eyes widened in amazement. Row upon row of inset drawers lined every wall from floor to ceiling, and each drawer appeared just large enough to hold one standard-size datapad. There was one drawer for every Jedi Knight and Master who lived, it was said, and there had to be at least fifty-thousand of them!

Anakin, however, was only interested in one of these drawers: the one belonging to the recently Knighted Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Ah, there it was. The Force had guided Anakin unerringly to the drawer in question he sought. It was situated in a row roughly level to Anakin's waist—how convenient that he wouldn't need one of the repulsorlift stools to reach it!—and it wasn't even locked. Well, the Jedi Order certainly didn't lack for confidence! It was like they were _asking_ for their Hearts to be stolen.

Anakin didn't trust Obi-Wan. It really was that simple. He'd heard Obi-Wan telling Qui-Gon that "the boy" was dangerous, that Qui-Gon was being willfully blind…so _why_, exactly, had Obi-Wan agreed to train Anakin after Qui-Gon's death? Was this a way of spying on him, of keeping him under control? Was he being set up to fail? While, okay, no, he'd never sensed any deliberate deception from Obi-Wan, truth, as Obi-Wan himself was fond of saying, depended greatly on one's point of view, and therefore Anakin needed to do this to be sure:

_He needed to know the truth in Obi-Wan's Heart._

Anakin took a deep breath and flung the drawer containing Obi-Wan's Heart open—

And then he was falling, falling, falling forever. Weightlessness. A bright, soothing blanket of warmth. This was Obi-Wan, the purest essence of Obi-Wan. There was humor. Duty. Faith. Love. Love for the Republic and all the peoples of the galaxy, love for the Jedi Order, love for Qui-Gon. Endless, unconditional, self-abnegating love. And there was love for Anakin too! He could see himself as Obi-Wan saw him, a boy who was powerful and full of potential, Obi-Wan's hopes for the future embodied, and the boy was volatile, yes, yet also vulnerable, beautiful. And beloved. So, so, very beloved—

Anakin gasped, the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding expelled from his lungs in a giant rush. He'd never—! He hadn't _known_—! Oh…Obi-Wan… Carefully, he closed the drawer again.

It took several days before Anakin realized what had actually happened. Anakin's own Heart, still safely lodged within him, had become inextricably emmeshed with Obi-Wan's. Whether they were together or separated by lightyears, it didn't matter. He could _feel _Obi-Wan inside, as keenly, as immediately, as he could feel himself…and Obi-Wan, whose Heart was in a drawer in the Heart Vault, didn't suspect. He certainly couldn't feel Anakin inside the way Anakin could feel Obi-Wan.

But Anakin wasn't concerned. He decided that he _liked_ this state of affairs. For as long as they both lived, he'd always know what Obi-Wan was thinking and feeling. He'd never have to worry, never have to doubt Obi-Wan's commitment and loyalty to him. Never, ever again.

* * *

Or not. Whoops.

War loomed like a dark shadow on the horizon, and every sufficiently advanced Padawan learner would be advanced to Knighthood immediately.

It was a time-honored ritual. No one was exempt. First, they'd cut off his Padawan braid. Then they'd made him cut out his own Heart. Oh, not literally. Of course not. This wasn't about taking a dead blade to one's own chest and removing an organ, and the Jedi weren't barbarians. Use of the Force was what was required, use while under careful supervision of the Jedi High Council. Anakin still didn't _really _understand it—maybe if he'd come to the Order as a newborn all the assigned readings, practicums, and theoretical lectures on Hearts he'd been subjected to would've sunk in better. As it was, he was just following orders.

And normally, just following orders and following the prescribed procedure should've been sufficient. It should've been easy. He should've felt nothing; that's what he'd been told. It should've, as a matter of fact, been entirely painless…except for that tiny, minor detail about the Heart Bond Anakin had been sharing with Obi-Wan for the past ten years. The one he'd never seen fit to mention to anyone, not his fellow apprentices, not any of the other Jedi Knights and Masters, and _certainly_ not to Obi-Wan himself.

When Anakin had cut out his own Heart, it'd felt like he was cleaving Obi-Wan from himself as well. It'd felt like being punched in the gut or being skewered on a lightsaber. He'd almost forgotten how to breathe. He'd had to blink back tears. For the first time in a decade, he'd felt utterly, unequivocally _alone_…

…and he hated it. Absolutely, positively _hated _it.

And so, for the second time in his life, Anakin sliced open the lock on the door to the Heart Vault. Although no one in the Jedi Order knew it or had any reason to suspect it, Anakin's own heart was not within the drawer that had been allocated to him at his Knighting. The thing in Anakin's drawer was a fake. No, he'd already entrusted his real Heart to someone he deemed a far more…trustworthy guardian. But Obi-Wan's Heart was still here, and Anakin missed feeling their bond, desperately wanted, no, _needed_, to feel it again, and so it was to the drawer holding Obi-Wan's Heart that Anakin reached for now.

This time, merely opening the drawer was not sufficient. Anakin's own Heart was no longer within him. Gone. To feel Obi-Wan at all, he had to take Obi-Wan's Heart fully into himself, to place it into the hollow of his chest where his own Heart had once resided. Then, and only then—

Obi-Wan's love for Anakin had only grown with the passing of years. His love had become bigger and brighter, and like the light of the twin brother suns of Tatooine, it touched _everything_. Everything Obi-Wan knew and believed and felt about his life, his duty, his relationships with every other being in the galaxy, was filtered through his love for Anakin, his pride at Anakin's many accomplishments. Aaahhh, how proud Obi-Wan was of Anakin had accomplished, how confident he was in the things that Anakin had yet to achieve! Yes, war was coming, but Obi-Wan was not afraid. He knew Anakin would be the one to hold back the darkness. But he wouldn't have to do it alone. No, Anakin would never, ever be alone. He and Obi-Wan, they would hold back the darkness together.

Satisfied, like an addict who'd gotten his fix, and reassured, oh so sublimely reassured, Anakin returned Obi-Wan's Heart to the drawer. There were battle plans to be made, troops to be deployed, and Anakin knew he mustn't tarry any longer—he was needed elsewhere.

* * *

Anakin was angry. His fury was like a blood-tinged haze over his vision.

Yeah, okay, no, he'd never expected to be Obi-Wan's apprentice forever—Gods knew he hadn't _wanted_ to be!—but he'd never given a moment's thought to the possibility that Obi-Wan might want to take on another Padawan learner after Anakin. And so soon! Was Obi-Wan really in such an unseemly rush to be rid of Anakin for good?!

He tensed, bracing himself for what Obi-Wan's Heart would disclose…

Love and loyalty and pride and faith. Strong. Unwavering. The same as always.

Ah, so he was being silly after all. He'd been worrying needlessly. Maybe someday Anakin Skywalker would get over himself and learn to kick back and relax. Ha! Yeah, riiiiiiiiight. Suuuuuuure.

* * *

He'd been stupid. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_—! He'd never once thought to check the drawer in the Heart Vault.

But here he was, belatedly, after the whole horrific affair with Rako Hardeen was ended and Obi-Wan was alive and well and apparently unbothered by the idea that Anakin had believed he was dead, had grieved, had fucking _grieved_, had been recklessly ready to follow Obi-Wan into death's final embrace.

For the fourth time, Anakin fell into Obi-Wan's Heart. The love he found there was unchanged. If anything, it was stronger than ever. And there was something new as well. Longing. Obi-Wan's love for Anakin was tinged with _longing_. He'd…he'd…_missed_ Anakin, and he'd desperately wanted to tell him the truth. And Obi-Wan missed Anakin still, because Anakin had been cold with him upon his return, and Obi-Wan was worried that something had changed irrevocably, that, from now on, there would always be this new distance between them.

It wasn't theft or anything; he didn't think of it like that. But when Anakin snuck back out of the Heart Vault, he was carrying Obi-Wan's Heart inside him. He carried it back to his tower room in the Temple. He took it with him to bed and masturbated to completion. Later, he tossed and turned, unable to sleep. And even later still, unbeknownst to Obi-Wan himself, the Heart was beating fast and hard in Anakin's chest when Anakin rolled out of his own bed, crossed the hall, sliced the lock on the door to Obi-Wan's room open, and slid into Obi-Wan's bed…beside Obi-Wan.

Anakin had taken Obi-Wan sweetly inside of him in more ways than one that night, and Obi-Wan's Heart assured Anakin that Obi-Wan had enjoyed their sexual congress every bit as much as Anakin did.

The next morning, when Anakin returned Obi-Wan's Heart to the safety of its drawer in the Vault, he was grinning like an idiot.

* * *

The Jedi Temple was compromised, and everyone who had stood to defend it was slain. This might be the last time Obi-Wan ever walked its ancient, hallowed halls.

The last time he'd ever step inside the Heart Vault.

They'd decided to come here, him and Yoda, because they didn't dare leave their living Hearts for the Sith to discover and exploit. They'd have to take them back into themselves. Even though no Jedi had carried Hearts in their chests for six-thousand years.

There had been nothing to feel all those years ago when his Heart was removed. The procedure had been painless. So, Obi-Wan wasn't expecting to feel anything when it was put back in. In that, he was naïve. For as soon as Obi-Wan's heart was returned to him, he felt—

_Anakin_. He was falling, falling, falling forever. Into Anakin and his actualized power, his as of yet unrealized potential, his volatility, his vulnerability. His love for Obi-Wan, bright, burning hot, possessive. Obi-Wan could see himself as Anakin saw him: dutiful and faithful. Loyal and loving. Yes, so very, very loving! Beautiful, precious, beloved. So very, very beloved—

With a sudden, sickening jolt, Obi-Wan felt something else: Anakin's deception. To steal another's Heart was a terrible crime, yet that was exactly what Anakin had done. Not just once, either. He'd done it five times.

The first time as a boy, a tender nine years of age…

The second time as a new adult, facing the brutal onslaught of war…

The third time, before Ahsoka's arrival on Christophsis, and the fourth time, after Obi-Wan had had to fake his own death…

…and, oh Gods! Anakin had been carrying Obi-Wan's Heart in his chest when he'd…when…when _they'd_…

Well. That might have been a worse violation than the fact of the theft itself. Of course making love to Anakin had been wonderful. Of course it had felt so _right_. But it hadn't been because of their natural closeness, forged in the fires of adversity, tempered in blood, sweat, and tears. No, no, the reason why Anakin had seemed able to sense Obi-Wan's desires, to anticipate his needs with such perfect precision, as if they were his own? Because, at that moment, _they had been_.

So why? Why?! Why had Anakin pledged his allegiance to the Sith when he'd loved Obi-Wan, when he'd always known, in turn, how much Obi-Wan loved him? Doted on him, cherished him, took pride in him, _adored_ him, against every written rule of the Jedi Code, every fundamental axiom, every wise Master's aphorism on the dangers of selfish attachment?!

Ah, if only Obi-Wan's Heart had been burned to ash along with the Temple!

And alas, the fifth and final time Anakin Skywalker stole the Heart of Obi-Wan Kenobi revealed nothing further that Obi-Wan had wished to know…and plenty of things that he really, really hadn't.

Anakin had come to the Heart Vault only yesterday, ablaze with righteous fury and intoxicated by the murders he'd committed, and he'd taken Obi-Wan's Heart into himself without hesitation, like it belonged to him. The familiar pleasure of their Bond had immediately aroused him, and, oh Gods—Obi-Wan shuddered in disgust—he'd…he'd…_touched _himself, touched himself with hands stained with innocent blood, right there in the hallowed Vault! But what had Anakin _really _wanted? The answer to that was simple: He'd wanted to know if Obi-Wan had defeated Grievous on Utapau, if he was still alive, if his love for Anakin remained unchanged, if his loyalty to Anakin remained unwavering. Which it had been, then. As for now…?

Obi-Wan was opening Anakin's drawer before he was even consciously aware that he was doing it. What could he possibly want with Anakin's Heart? Did he dream a futile dream of destroying their Heart Bond…or of strengthening it? In the end, though, he never had to make a decision one way or the other, for the drawer was completely empty. Not even the faintest resonance from Anakin's powerful Heart lingered. It seemed likely to Obi-Wan that Anakin's Heart had never been inside this drawer in the first place.

Of course. Anakin would've entrusted his Heart to Padmé. She'd know where to find him.

Obi-Wan hoped that Padmé possessed it still, that she hadn't yet returned Anakin's Heart to him. The Bond that had been inadvertently forged the first time Anakin had stolen Obi-Wan's Heart could only be unmade by death; a violent confrontation with the new Sith apprentice seemed inevitable…

…and Gods help him, Obi-Wan did not want Anakin to know how his Heart was breaking.

END


End file.
